Dick Wolfsie: Eggo Maniacs Chick Here
My wife and I did not go to the State Fair this year. It was the first time we’ve missed it (other than the two affected by the COVID closures) since we moved to Indiana in 1982. Mary Ellen’s favorite thing is to go to the chicken coop to see the chicks . I love grilling myself a you-know-what on a stick. We don’t talk much about our favorite things on the way home.
Menards sells magazines called Chickens and Poultry World, both of which are dedicated to the proper care and raising of our feathered friends. In the intro to one of the posts, the editor is seen holding his pal, a handsome Springer Spaniel. Guess he’s learned he’ll attract more chicks holding an adorable pup than cuddling a rooster.
Once the reader has entered the magazines, let the puns begin. There are puns that I’m sure have made their way into every edition over the years. Let’s face it, there are only so many chicken puns you can find to title your stories or name various sections of the periodical.
Eggciting Recipes: On Easter we see this pun in every newspaper a hundred times. Already enough. It’s, well, you know… wasting eggs.
Online Eggstras and Eggslusives: This section directs you to websites with dozens of terrible word games. You can also get half a dozen. The puns here range from awful to a little clever. Mary Ellen and I only eat cage-free eggs, and we want the jokes to be free range, too.
Chick or Treat: How to dress up as a chick or hen for Halloween. Is it scary or what?
Cracking Up: Their jokes page, of course.
A chicken with every shot: Don’t have an adorable cat to make YouTube videos? Here are some tips on how to capture your cuddly capon on camera.
Chicken Scratch: an article featuring gifts and gadgets for chicken lovers with the subtitle: “Everything our readers are bragging about”. Here you can buy an app that calculates the number of eggs to expect from your flock annually. Yes, it’s called a cluck-u-lator.
Get the Shell Out: How to ensure maximum daily egg production from each breed. This pun is also used in Turtle Monthly Digest in articles encouraging pet owners to exercise their aquatic friends with a daily walk.
Fowl Language: A glossary of important terms for bird lovers. In fact, I like this pun. But once or twice is enough. Alright, three times.
There were also questions in a feature called “Chicken Chat”. A better title would be “Can We Squawk?” Damn, now I’m making stupid puns. Of course, I don’t know anything about chickens, but I’d like to try some of the answers.
Q: My chicken seems bored. Her head is down and she’s all swollen. Do you know what that means?
A: Yes, it’s definitely a chicken.
Q: I raise quail. Recently I found one with half of its head missing, running around my yard. What should I do?
A: It’s too late.
Q: I am considering hatching chickens myself for the first time. No suggestions?
A: No, but if you are successful, we would like to interview you for this magazine.
Retired television personality Dick Wolfsie writes this weekly column for the Daily Journal. Send feedback to [email protected]